


One Thing

by FromFanToStan



Series: First Times [9]
Category: One Direction (Band), zayn malik - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Jealous Louis, M/M, Mild Smut, zarry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-01-31 05:18:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18584566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FromFanToStan/pseuds/FromFanToStan
Summary: Louis is talking Zayn into something. He's persistent, although Zayn does his best to resist.





	1. Dubious Consent

**Author's Note:**

> For reasons, Louis keeps poking his head up, lol, whenever I try to write Zarry these days. OKAY LOUIS. Here's a tidbit! In spite of the chapter title, it's not really dub-con, more like Louis and Harry gang up on Zayn.

“Harry says you don’t think you’re fit anymore.”

Typical Louis style convo, just start from the middle and hurl yourself forward.

“When did you talk to Harry?” Zayn’s first instinct with Harry and Louis is mistrust. He doesn’t forget, ever, that Louis and Harry came first.

“Does that make a difference? Like, are you feeling fit now, and this was ages ago?”

Zayn stares at Louis for a minute, nonplussed. Louis is his mate, someone to get wasted with or to play FIFA with, or play pranks with. He’s not someone to confess insecurities to. He would have thought Harry understood that.

“I’m too skinny. I forget to eat, and then I stop getting hungry, so it gets worse.” He shrugs, thinks about what he might need to be doing that would be somewhere else.

“And that is horse shit. You just get prettier in the face when you lose weight. It’s quite rude of you, actually. Lottie asked me the other day if you and Perrie were doing ok, and I don’t think it was an idle question, like I suspect her of dirty intentions.”

“Why are we talking about this, again?”

“I dunno, just, you’re fit. I think about that day in the pool sometimes. I would go again if you liked.”

They are alone in the back of Bus 1, as usual. Harry and Niall ride on Bus 2 so that he and Louis can smoke in peace; Liam alternates depending on whether he is currently smoking or currently trying to quit. Fuck Liam and his desire to be healthy, where is he when Zayn needs him?

Zayn takes a deep drag of his cigarette, wondering why now, why him, why anything. Louis is with Eleanor. Zayn and Perrie have an agreement. He’s happy with Harry.

He stands up, finally deciding that he doesn’t need a reason to leave the room. “I don’t want to have this conversation with you right now, Louis. I don’t know why you’re bringing it up, and I’m too tired to try to understand. I’ll have a nap, I think.”

He leaves Louis sitting on the sofa. He doesn’t look back.

**************

“So, are you saying that you aren’t attracted to me, Z?” 

Fucking hell. He is actually going to have to quit smoking, because Louis always knows where to find him and there is always an excuse for them to be standing around together.

He sighs. “Lou, I can only think that you are fucking with me for some reason, and I like a joke as much as the next person, but this is dead boring. Let’s talk about anything else.”

Louis grins at him, because there is nothing he likes more than making someone uncomfortable, with the sole exception of Harry. “I like talking about this. So, you don’t think I’m fit? Harry said you thought I was well fit.”

“Harry should shut his trap, shouldn’t he? Why are you two talking about me, anyway?”

“Ah, are you jealous, Zayn? Do you object to my having a discussion with your precious babe? I told you you were going to catch feels. Are you in love with our Haz now? Is that why you won’t answer me questions?”

“Fuck you, Lou. I’m giving up smoking, and it’s all your fault.”

**************

Zayn doesn’t smoke for an hour, but then sound check is over, and Harry and Niall are in getting wardrobe fittings, and he left his comics on the bus and can’t be bothered to go after them. He has cigs, though. He just has to find an unusual place to smoke them.

The trouble is that there are only a few spots that are well hidden enough that he won’t get papped or spotted by fans. Management has been very clear that he and Louis are supposed to avoid being seen smoking anything at all. He finds a spot behind Bus 2, a bit further away from where he usually goes, but now he is standing in the sun, sweating in the hoodie he wore to the venue when they came out late morning. This is all Louis’s fault, and he hates him.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were avoiding me, Zayner. Please tell me you aren’t avoiding me, because me heart can’t take it.” Louis clutches his chest, staggering dramatically in front of Zayn.

“Alright, you wanker. I told Haz you’re fit. You look better right now that you’ve done in ages. I would absolutely fuck your brains out if I wasn’t already busy fucking someone else’s brains out. Are you happy?”

“Ha! You admit it!”

“Only because I do not want to talk about this at all, ever again.”

“But Zayn, I think you should consider expanding your horizons, sexwise. You and Harry have been at it for ages now, months, like almost a year is it?”

And now, thinks Zayn, they have arrived at the point.

“I’m glad you’re keeping track, Lou. I’m very glad to know that you have taken on the very important job of monitoring my sex life, because I cannot keep up with it, even though it is so severely lacking in variety. I can’t possibly take on more jobs, _sexwise_ , since I can’t even keep up with the ones I have, can I?”

“Here’s the thing, though, Z, Harry and I think a threesome would be a fun thing to try.”

Zayn controls his expression, just. He takes a last drag off his cig, exhales deeply, lights another from the butt. “Why do you reckon Harry hasn’t talked with me about this?”

“He’s shy, babe. You know how afraid he is of making you mad.”

Zayn absolutely does not know how afraid Harry is of making him mad. Like Louis, he sometimes delights in fucking with Zayn, especially on stage where Zayn can’t get him back. Zayn thinks fondly of his Haz, the way he will whisper absolute filth in Zayn’s ear but so quickly that he could be saying, hey, don’t forget to move over to the platform when we start ‘Little Things,’ or will you come in a beat early on the harmony in ‘You and I’? Liam wants to try something.” He smiles to himself, thinking of how filthy Harry is and how only the boys see that side of him. It was almost the first thing he liked about him.

“You’re smiling! Does that mean you’ll consider it?”

“I don’t think so, Louis. I find I need to focus, _sexwise_ , because of my limited ability to keep up with things. See ya.”

He knows the conversation isn’t over, however. 

**************

They are lying in bed on their backs, naked, and Zayn is considering putting on pants so he can open a window for a smoke. Harry is being especially soft and affectionate tonight, clinging to Zayn after bottoming, kissing and licking him all over his chest, calling him _baby_ and _love_ and _boo_. Zayn is good at not thinking about things he doesn’t want to think about, but he loves thinking about Harry being like this, blissed out and sensual, acting like it’s only a matter of minutes before he’ll be ready to go again.

“So, babe, do you think our sex life is still good? Like, of course it is, but it is as good as it could be?”

Zayn is good at not thinking about things when others cooperate, but this is not cooperating. He eyes Harry. “Is that why you’ve been talking to Louis about a threesome? Because I’m boring you?”

“Babe! I’m not bored. I love everything we do! But Louis is your best mate, and I never did get to do anything but snog him, and you actually had sex with him, and he brought it up, and it’s a little bit of an itch that I didn’t get to scratch. It wouldn’t be bad to just try it, would it? If you get uncomfortable, or if anything about it is not fun, or if you just say no, it’s okay. I want what you want.”

This is patently untrue. Harry wants Zayn to want what he, Harry, wants. He looks at him, at the satisfaction in his eyes and the rose in his cheeks, and he thinks for the first time in months that it really is too good to be true. He’s been having his cake and eating it. He’s been too happy. It isn’t meant to last.


	2. Is This Really The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis have opened a floodgate, and Zayn is swept away with it. Very angsty for Zarry.

So, it’s possible that Harry and Zayn, as Harry and Zayn, could survive Louis. It’s not likely, but it’s possible. But he and Louis will not survive as mates, and Zayn can’t decide what makes him sadder. 

Everything makes him sad these days, the endless days and nights of touring, the way Harry skips around the stage as though there is nothing he would rather do, in spite of having not even kissed Zayn in _ages_ , the way his nails look after he’s been chewing on them nervously on the bus. He plays out various scenarios, including briefly imagining that the three of them become a polyamorous relationship, that he shares Harry willingly with his best mate. He’s not able, though. He’s too possessive even to do what Harry does, sharing Zayn with Perrie.

Zayn has actually quit smoking. He is using Nicoderm patches, which keep the worst of the cravings away. Harry acts approving, sniffing at him and grinning every time he passes in the bus or on stage, but his health has nothing to do with it. Somehow he thinks that if he avoids Louis he can avoid all the rest, so he’ll avoid being alone with Louis at all costs. 

Because he knows now that Harry will never be fully his, Zayn finds that he wants him more than ever. He watches him hungrily on stage, watches him bounding over railings and trying to dance, watches him bounce between a One Direction version of Mick Jagger and Pee-Wee Herman, so sexy one minute and a complete dork the next, and his heart aches for the void his absence will create. They have a string of tour bus nights in Australia, which keeps him from having to make excuses for why he isn’t heading to Harry’s after every show.

Bus 2 is clean. Harry has always been pretty good about picking up after himself, and he has scolded Niall into being relatively neat, or at least containing his mess to his bunk. Still, the buses always smell of boy, and with three boys even Bus 2 smells one third more musky. It used to comfort Zayn but now he just wants to be away from all of them. He calls Perrie every night, and if Harry notices, which he would have to, he doesn’t say anything. He is going out more this trip, giving Zayn his space, not pulling that Zayn can tell, because he always turns up alone at some point in the night, but also not inviting Zayn or questioning his distance. He would be hurt by it, but his relief is too strong.

Louis says he’ll stop smoking in Bus 1, but Zayn tells him no, it’s okay, he should smoke and anyway Liam is smoking again so Louis isn’t alone. For once the Fates are working on Zayn’s behalf, and he has a few days to mull over his options. Zayn feels as though he’s floating over his life, sad but not _unhappy_ exactly and definitely not connected to it. Meanwhile, there are screaming fans and security and interviews and night after night of singing the same catchy, forgettable pop. He layers his voice over Harry’s on “You and I,” sometimes looking over at him to catch him looking back. He sings his lead verse on “Little Things” and looks into the upper levels of the arenas rather than anywhere around him. 

Perrie has colored her hair again, turning it back to blonde. It’s usually midday in England when he talks to her, and she is bare-faced and young-looking. He misses her, in a way, at least the idea of her and getting married and having a family like his own. He thinks that he will never have kids or a normal life now. This kind of fame means he’ll never be the English teacher at the local comprehensive high school. He’ll always be a failure if he isn’t at One Direction levels of success, selling millions of albums and playing sold out shows. The thought of this gloomy future brings out Zayn's natural pessimism, and without knowing it he wears a scowl most of the time.

It’s hot outside the buses as they are moving up the coast from Adelaide to Perth. They have an overnight in Margaret River, and he and Niall rent electric bikes, taking them along trails all the way out to the Indian Ocean. They take off their shoes, roll up their pants, and step into the cold clear water of Hamelin Bay, watching manta rays glide past effortlessly. Zayn watches them pass, oblivious to his human woes, serene in knowing their place in the scheme of things. Zayn wishes he knew where he belongs. It’s not here, not in this band, and, he guesses, not with this man. Harry is who he has always been, restless and easily bored. Zayn should have never let him become a lover.

They are in a lull that arriving in Perth breaks. For the first time in a week, during the show Zayn slips up behind Harry, plants a hand lightly on his far hip and whispers into his ear. “Come to mine after we get to the hotel, yeah?” Harry nods and grins confidently before he takes off for the other side of the stage and the fans who scream even louder at his proximity. He doesn’t see Zayn whisper in Louis’s ear too.

**********

The stadium outside Perth is old and due for demolition. Its showers are rust-stained and slow, but Zayn can’t stand the caked on stage makeup or his own sweat long enough to get to the hotel. He stands for a long time under the trickle of lukewarm water, passing the soap bar over himself again and again but without ever really feeling clean. Finally, Harry sticks his head in to say, “Hey, we all want to leave. Are you ever coming out?” 

He waits in his room for Louis and Harry to arrive. He has agonized over whether to dress, whether he should dry his hair or try to look good in some misguided effort to make Harry regret what he’s losing, but it’s stupid. He and Harry have seen each other most days for over four years. Harry knows the smell of his feet after a full hot day of filming while wearing boots and the smell of his farts after weeks of road food. He can neither impress nor disgust him.

Louis arrives first, of course. He has many faults, Louis does, but lack of punctuality has never been one. He’s in track pants and a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off, emphasizing his arm muscles. His hair is at its best length. Zayn sort of hates him, sort of wants him, sort of wishes he would disappear. He is as always keen to Zayn’s thinking and aware of his moods.

“Where’s Haz? I know you didn’t invite me down alone.”

Zayn looks everywhere but into Louis’s eyes. “He’s coming. You know Harry. He’s slow about everything.”

“Yeah, worse than you in some ways. It’s just that he wants to be on time and you don’t give a fuck.” 

Zayn tries to smile but it’s weak. Suddenly he doesn’t want to talk to them together. He just wants to tell Louis and be done.

“I’ve thought a lot about you and Harry. You know me, Lou. You know a three-way would never work for me. You knew when you brought it up.”

Louis opens his mouth to protest, but Zayn doesn’t want to hear it. He holds a hand up to ward off the words.

“It’s okay. He had such a crush on you, and then you and I hurt him, and then he and I hurt you--I know we did, we’re all so up in each other’s business, no one can breathe proper without the others reading into it--and I just can’t. You gave Harry to me, sort of. You let him come to me. And now I’m giving him back.”

As he says it, Zayn thinks vaguely that he’s treating Harry as though he is a possession to be traded, but Harry has always been pliant, always able to love the one he is with. It doesn’t seem wrong to step away from him. If he needs it, it can be an excuse for leaving, and his desire to leave has come over him again, has become the strongest urge in him, more than the desire to smoke or the need to feel Harry’s skin against his. He is sick and tired and more than ready to walk away.

“So yeah, why don’t you go back to yours, and I’ll send Harry to you in a few? I just need to tell him myself.”

**********

Harry doesn’t knock. Zayn has slipped him his extra key card as he has done for almost a year on hotel nights. He wears gym shorts topped by a paper thin tee with the sleeves rolled up, showing his muscles. When did he and Louis get so fit? They will look so good together, Zayn thinks. 

Harry’s feet are bare, the slightly gnarled toes prompting a wave of affection in Zayn, at the way his Haz tortures his feet for fashion, all his Chelsea boots with their narrow toes. He spares a glance at the “Big” on Haz’s big right toe. He was with him when he got that, and they had giggled for hours, imagining themselves with obvious labels on various parts. Zayn would have “perfect” across a cheekbone; Harry would have “gorgeous” on his forehead, with an arrow pointing up to his curls. They would both get “pointy” on their sharp elbows. It seems an age since those happy boys were together.

Zayn has a speech, but Harry delays its opening by enveloping Zayn in a hug, his big hands kneading Zayn’s tense back muscles, his low voice murmuring in Zayn’s ear, “I’ve missed you.” Zayn can’t help but wrap his arms around Harry too and to allow himself to pretend for a moment that there is a Harry and Zayn and that they are happy. He allows only a moment.

“Harry. We need to talk.”

He feels Harry stiffen and then his arms drop. He steps back to look into Zayn’s eyes, only they won’t meet his. “Zayn, if this is about Louis, about a threesome, I didn’t mean it. I love our sex life. I know you’ve been avoiding me--no, you have--and I just want to go back to the way we were.”

“But that’s the thing, Harry. We can’t. Remember months ago when I told you I wanted to leave the band? We had a fight about it, and then having sex kind of made me not want to leave any more.”

Harry preens a bit. He loves feeling like he can influence events for good, and Zayn knows Harry believes in his own narcissistic way that Zayn being with him is for Zayn’s good.

“But this thing coming up with Louis, well. It made me uncomfortable, yeah? Like I know I messed around with him, but that’s all it ever was, and maybe it was because I wanted you so much. I never wanted Louis. I still don’t want Louis. But you do.”

Harry has stopped preening and is giving Zayn his most solemn and level gaze, the one that usually penetrates Zayn’s defenses. He is unnaturally still on the arm of the sofa, his shoulders slumped forward in the posture that Zayn is always nagging him about. He says quietly, “What are you trying to say, Zayn?”

“I’m saying that you should give it a chance with Lou. He came first. I’ve always known that. You wanted him right away, and you never got to have him. Now he wants you, or anyway he knows he wants you. I don’t think he ever stopped, because look at you, Haz--you’re gorgeous and charming and quirky and sexy. All those things I said about you. And I’m wasting away here in this band I don’t enjoy.”

“You can finish the tour, Zayn. I told you that we’d go into management and insist on a hiatus after this tour.”

“I don’t want to. I’ve got an appointment to Skype with Simon tomorrow morning, and I’m going to tell him that I’m leaving. It’s done already. I’ve packed. I’m ready to go.”

Harry looks around and notices that Zayn’s room is strangely neat, the chairs not covered with a dozen tee shirts, no pants on the floor, no shoes to trip over. Instead, the shipping trunk that each boy has is sitting at the end of the bed.

“So I don’t get a say in this? Just, you’re done, so we’re done? Because I let Louis give me the idea of a threesome, which by the way was about sex and not a fucking relationship?”

“Nah, I think not. Go back to Louis, Harry. He’s fit. He loves the stage just like you do. He makes you laugh, and I’m just gloomy all the time these days. I’ve got to get out.”

“You don’t decide what I do, Zayn Malik, but I guess you have already decided what you do. When?”

“When am I leaving? I think Hong Kong will be my last night. I just have to tell Simon.”

“That’s like two weeks from now!”

“Yeah, I wanted you to know first, and then I have to tell the other boys so you can make whatever adjustments you need to make for solos. I didn’t want to tell you at all, but I knew it was right….”

“Yeah, you’re doing us all a big favor, giving your two-week notice. Do I get a two-week notice, too, Zayn? Will you be with me until then?” Harry’s eyes are shiny with tears, and Zayn turns away, unable to see Harry cry as usual.

“Don’t ask me to do this, Harry. I’m breaking apart. I can’t eat, don’t sleep. I’m jealous of you and Lou--”

“There’s literally nothing to be jealous about!”

“I’m jealous of you and Lou being together after I’m gone. I don’t want to know if you are, just I’ve been imagining the two of you for over a week now. It’s my mind, Harry. I don’t even know how much of it is even you. I just have to go. I’m no good to you. I’m no good to the band.”

Harry surprises him, as he has so often over the past five years. He stands, moves over to Zayn, gently kisses his lips and thumbs his cheekbones. “Ok. I get it. I’ll try to help with the other boys.”

Harry leaves the room, closing the door softly and gently behind him. Zayn can’t hear if he goes in the direction of Louis’s room or his own. In the coming two weeks, he will look for evidence that Harry and Louis are together, and he won’t see anything. 

When Zayn gathers the band to make his announcement, when he finishes with his short prepared speech, Harry says, “I think we have to support him, right, lads? He’s our brother, and we have to support him.” They all cry but just a little, and then Zayn slips out as the conversation turns to how the live show will need to change to accommodate the loss.

He wasn’t necessary. He knows that now. Every show will confirm how little he matters to One Direction and indeed to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will never stop wanting to know why two boys who clearly loved each other, found each other attractive, and talked all the time could break off a relationship so completely. *Zarry feels*
> 
> I would love comments on this chapter in particular. Did you feel anything, or did the status at the end of this chapter seem unearned? I'm trying to learn how to build to the climactic moments right now. Kudos are always gratefully received with an outstretched hand: "Please sir, may I have some more?"


	3. Best Song Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry didn't really do anything wrong, but Zayn leaves anyway.

They have over a week free after the dates in Saitama, and instead of rehearsing the new songs to add them to the setlist, there is an unspoken agreement to wait until Zayn is gone. He feels like a ghost, present but unseen, and he finds himself behaving as a ghost, smoking pot openly on his balcony in the daylight and avoiding the other boys. He could go home, but it’s hardly worth the bother since he’ll be back for good so soon.

Harry meets a Japanese couple, because of course he does, with a young and cute Shiba Inu, and he scarpers off to Tokyo to spend a few days with them. The male has a workout routine he’s going to show Harry that incorporates Japanese aikido techniques into a cardio and strength building program. Harry is suddenly very interested in fitness, like a husband who has decided to start an affair with a younger woman. Louis is off somewhere with Liam. Zayn isn’t sure why Harry and Louis aren’t together right now, but whatever.

He is moping in his room on the second night when there is a soft knock. Not Harry. He still has a key. Not Louis, who could not knock softly on a dare and who in any event has been nowhere to be found in twenty-four hours. He shuffles over to see who might have such a delicate touch. It’s Niall. 

“Nialler--hey.” He wishes he could show more enthusiasm but everything is weighing him down, like he suddenly gained twenty five pounds and has to figure out how to haul this new self around. It’s just all so much effort.

“Zayn, it’s just the two of us right now in the hotel, and I thought maybe we could hang out? I’m feeling homesick to be honest, and well, maybe you and I should talk a bit while we still have a chance.”

Ok. This is not what Zayn signed up for, and he’s been willing to be ignored until he can get himself gone, but yeah, if there’s anyone he wants to hold onto, it’s Niall. Liam too, but lately Liam and Louis are so close, always writing songs together, and Zayn feels like Li has had to take sides and has chosen the other one.

“Yeah, c’mon in, Niall. I’m just--not doing anything, actually.”

Niall seems uncomfortable, which is unusual for him, but Zayn isn’t going to help him out here. He doesn’t have the energy, and he didn’t invite him.

He offers him a beer, though, and gestures to him to sit on the couch. Then he waits.

“So, eh, Zayn…” Niall begins and then trails off. Zayn waits.

“So, you know how I keep meself to meself, yeah, and how I never mind you boys’ business. There’s been some shite over the years, but I never mind it, because none of me business, and anyway, I’ve loved you all and how you love each other is….”

“None of your business?”

Niall has the grace to look embarrassed. “Yeah, right. So if you want me to shut up right now and just keep meself to meself like I’ve always done, you’ve only to say….” He looks over at Zayn as though hoping Zayn will let him off the hook, but by now Zayn is genuinely curious as to what has pushed Niall, who really does mind his own business, into minding Zayn’s. He supposes an earful is coming about leaving the band, but fuck him if he thinks that he can change Zayn’s mind. Nothing can change--.

“You know that Harry’s in love with you, right?” Niall finally looks Zayn in the eyes, his blue ones locked on Zayn’s golden browns. He looks serious and even determined. “I dunno why the two of you have stopped speaking, but I’ve been watching all of you for going on for five years now, and I know when Harry’s in love. It’s the second time, isn’t it.”

Zayn looks at Niall, the most easy-going person he’s ever known. Niall never has a bad word to say, not even random gossip about anyone. He can’t square the person looking at him so intently with the person who has looked the other way so many times before now.

“What are you saying, Niall? Why are you saying anything?”

“I dunno, like when we were all first a band, and Harry was our baby, wasn’t he, or well, he was your baby, and Louis’s, and a bit of Liam’s, except we were all Liam’s babies, he always seemed older than us. Shit. Lemme start over.”

“We all noticed Harry and Lou. Louis was so sarcastic, but not usually with Haz. He was never soft, but he was soft with Harry, but I don’t think it was, like, romantic, at least not at first. I caught them snogging a few times--but I always thought a bit of it was Louis taking the piss. He liked getting Haz worked up that way, because he was so easy back in those days.”

“He was, wasn’t he,” Zayn says, shaking his head. He remembers how of all of them Harry was always the one to make dirty jokes, to notice people sexually, to rub up against anyone handy when he’d had a few drinks. God, he was such a baby then. It wasn’t right, was it, that he was so young when all of this started. 

“Yeah, and Louis liked the way Hazza looked at him, how he admired him. So yeah, if he was taking the piss at first, it changed a bit. After a while, Louis just loved him and petted him and looked out for him. I used to be a bit jealous of the way all of you fussed over Harry. Anyway, at some point down the road I could see that Louis started discouraging Hazza. He stopped being so gentle with him, and they stopped living together, and then you and Harry--ugh. I don’t much like talking about this. It’s really none of me business. Maybe I’ll just go.”

“Nialler, sit back down. You had a point. Get to it.”

“Just Haz was hurt for a bit, over Louis and over all the media bullshit and the way management tried to make him out to be a player when it was obvious he was in love. And I saw how you looked out for him and kind of filled the gap there. And then at some point he started looking at you like he used to look at Louis.”

“He never did, Niall. That’s some bullshit you’re spouting to try to make me stay till the end of the tour--”

“Honestly, Zayn, I don’t give a fuck if you stay or go. You’ve been unhappy for a while, and it affects everyone else, especially Harry and Louis, so go if that’s what you want. We’ll be alright without you. But you have to know that Harry loves you. He doesn’t show it the way he did with Louis, because he’s older and more careful about his heart, plus you’ve always had a girlfriend, same as Lou, and he sees how that works out. Fuck! I don’t know what I’m trying to say.”

“Just, do what you need to do, but don’t kid yourself that you aren’t breaking Harry’s heart, because you are. You will be. That’s all.”

Niall looks at him one last time. He doesn’t smile, or wish him luck, or say goodbye. He just nods slightly, gets up, and goes out.

**********

A few days pass. Niall is nowhere to be seen, not that Zayn is looking. He gets a massive amount of paperwork faxed to him, with notes from his manager, and he signs wherever there is an X for his signature. He reads none of it, because he doesn’t care. 

He has thought about what Niall said, and he thinks he meant well, probably, but he got Zayn to thinking about the past. He’s never seen anyone look at anyone the way Harry looked at Louis back in those early days. Harry has never looked at him with those starry eyes. Nobody has. He’s probably never going to be loved like that, and if he weren’t depressed already that fact would do it.

He sleeps, although not well. He stays in his room, keeps the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door until he is finally disgusted enough with his own filth to call housekeeping and clear out long enough to get his room cleaned. He texts Perrie, his parents and his sisters, briefly, to say that he will be back in the UK around the 24th and that he’ll explain later. Perrie texts back to say, so this is it, but he doesn't reply.

As always, a week off seems forever, but the days pass. Toward the end of it, he hears voices in the corridor, including Harry's and Louis's, but no one knocks on his door. They leave for Singapore. Harry takes a separate flight, and Zayn requests a seat to himself on the flight with the other boys. He is in a state of suspended animation, neither in the band nor gone from it, and he hates them all for tiptoeing around him and trying not to bother him. He guesses this is what Harry meant by support, but it’s the loneliest he’s ever felt.

They play Singapore. It’s steamy hot going from the bus into the venue, and then it’s cold inside the dressing rooms and the stadium. Other than that, Zayn couldn’t tell you much. At sound check, he pulls Liam aside to say he’s sorry, and Liam looks at him with mournful eyes before pulling him in for a hug. He doesn’t cry, but it’s close. Harry avoids him; he avoids Harry. They don’t interact on stage at all that night, but Harry seems fine.

He doesn’t seem fine in Hong Kong. Zayn tries to catch his eye, but Harry won’t look at him, not even during “Little Things.” Zayn gets choked up a few times, and his voice quavers. He has to wipe his eyes once, but he reminds himself again that they’ll be better off without him. He hits his high notes, mostly. They’re in good voice, mostly. The crowd sings along. And then too soon it’s “Best Song Ever,” and he’s waving for the last time at the crowd and feeling Harry behind him, taking his time leaving the stage.

Zayn goes directly from the venue to the airport. His manager will meet his flight in London, and they'll talk about what comes next. Zayn wishes for a sense of closure. He wishes he knew what Louis and Harry were going to do, but he knows he gave up his rights. Other than telling the flight attendants on the three long flights between Hong Kong and London what he wants to eat and drink, Zayn doesn't talk to anyone. He wonders when he'll ever want to talk to anyone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have one more short chapter of this 'verse, and then that's it for Zarry and me for a bit, at least as a solo writer. I have a longer work planned that focuses on Harry through the years. I'd love to pick up Zayn later, but right now he really is the mysterious one. Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This isn't the end obviously. The usual disclaimers, maybe a few extra.


End file.
